A Woman's work?

As a society women have more equality in the workplace and much as changed but many women come to see me for therapy because they are very overwhelmed. That overwhelm starts at home and is intense due to the pandemic. Many women still face the intense stress of managing a large majority of the mental, homeschooling, and housework load in their relationships. Many spouses still expect their wives to do the majority of the housework and primary childcare management while holding down a fulltime job.

Many women can become deeply unhappy in their marriages when they look at the weight they manage despite pleading to their partners for help. Add this to other relationships and communication issues couples face, this is one of the reasons women initiate divorce at higher numbers compared to men.

Research shows that couples enter therapy often when it’s too late. Many come to therapy after over years of marriage resentment sets in after being stuck doing it all.  Women then become consumed by unhappiness more than their partners who have fewer stressors and fewer reasons to be deeply unhappy with the marriage. 

Working with a therapist before marriage or in the early years can help stage a healthier foundation to decrease the resentment that builds over time that slowly destroys marriages.

The #1 Reason Black Couples Go to Therapy

What is the #1 reason black couples go to therapy? The same reason that compels white couples to pick up the phone to make an appointment for therapy; communication. 

Communication difficulties are one of the most common reasons why all couples enter therapy.  Black couples are no different, but we must be honest that black couples have different issues that impact their communication issues in relationships because of racism. 

For many Black couples, communication is complicated by racism everywhere. Racism in the workplace, childhood, educational systems, in countless micro-aggressions black people encounters just living life. Add this to the fact that in order to survive many black people were socialized to wear a mask, to not display true feelings or emotions, it is often very difficult for Black people—especially Black men—to express their feelings directly. 

In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy communication, right? What if healthy expressions of feelings appropriate to situations can lead to your death? Because the expression of emotions for black people historically and present-day face for expressing their feelings can have deadly consequences. Many black people struggle to have a place that is safe in this society to express their emotions.  Look at Sandra Bland and other cases of black people and police-involved shootings. 

So many Black men and women often enter therapy with the complaint that their partners are emotionally unavailable. There are many valid reasons for this reinforced by our society. That’s why it’s important for the therapist to understand these realities, to help black couples when they come to therapy for help. One of my first strategies with black couples is to join and connect with each person and work to establish trust. Once trust is established, I can begin to explore what each member of the couple has brought to the relationship in terms of past experiences racial traumas.  That is where healing can begin and small steps to improve communication start. 

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

If you survived childhood emotional abuse know that what you faced is valid!

Many people think childhood abuse has to be physical abuse leaving broken bones and marks. Our mind recalls the stories we see on TV when a child is removed from the home due to physical abuse or extreme neglect. Those cases are heartbreaking because we can physically see the immediate impact of the horrors that child faced. Yes, there are varied levels of abuse. I want to offer that the abused children face that is unaddressed and impact the lives of many adults is valid also.

 Childhood trauma is also emotional abuse that leave scars few people can see.

Childhood emotional trauma often is difficult to heal, because there is so much secrecy surrounding it. This secrecy causes many adults to develop deep shame. This shame causes people to live in pain for decades coping with the impact of their wounds in silence. 

The truth is childhood emotional abuse has not received the same attention compared to other forms of trauma such as sexual assault, or physical abuse. ⠀

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For many emotional abuses by parents or adult caregivers still remains a large gray area of misperception about parenting stressors or cultural differences. ⠀

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Because of all of the gray as a society we tend to have more tolerance when it occurs inside the home compared to when it occurs outside the home. ⠀

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There are real negative consequences when we fail to address childhood emotional trauma and neglect. 

Adults who grew up with childhood trauma experience more anxiety, depression, chronic pain, stress sensitivity, chronic illness, sleep problems, low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and the feeling of being “stuck” life.

Know that if this was your childhood there can be healing. 

What you face was real and your pain matters also.

The past doesn’t have to continue to negativity shape your future.

Seeking support from a mental health professional who has a trauma-informed approach is one-way survivors can get help.

To find a therapist in your area you look at major directories such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/us https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com or if you're located in NJ call me at 646-859-0125 to email me at Therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

How EMDR sessions can help you stop living in survival mode finally?

I decided to invest in my craft to better serve my clients and became trained in EMDR last year. I work with many adults in the forgotten generation; Generation X. 

Many have experienced childhood trauma growing up in the ’70s and 80’s grappling with the impact of the crack epidemic that destroyed many communities of color. Also, many Gen Xers had a parent who served in the military in the Korean War like my Dad, or Vietnam. Many of those men came back home with severe mental health issues untreated and used drugs and alcohol to kill the pain. 

This means many people who are in generation x have tons of unaddressed childhood trauma walking around now. This trauma is present in their lives today, impacting their relationships with others and the relationship they have with themselves. 

Remember therapy was not as popular back then the way it is more acceptable and accessible as it is now. That means many gen Xers needed care but did not receive it.

EMDR is one of the most effective forms of therapy to address trauma. 

How does EMDR help people with childhood trauma? EMDR uses bilateral stimulation, or side-to-side eye movements, to reprocess disturbing memories. Research from many sources found that the bilateral eye movements performed in EMDR may replicate the rapid eye movements (REM) during the dream stage of sleep. Research has long believed that during REM sleep our brains process the events of the day, including our emotions, beliefs and physical sensations. If the brain does not process these properly, memories may become lodged and can cause us problems further down the line. Sometimes the symptoms of trauma don't appear for months, years, and even decades afterward. 

In a series of EMDR therapy sessions, I use gentle bilateral tapping (often on the top of the client's hands or side of a client’s legs) in addition to the eye stimulation. Some therapists use tappers to stimulate the physical tapping method I use. During sessions, dual attention stimulation (bilateral eye movements and tapping) unlocks the unprocessed memory, releases the painful emotions and sensations, and allows your brain to let go of the beliefs that are holding you back in life

Childhood trauma anxiety, anger, and depression are just a few of the symptoms of having unprocessed, maladaptive memories stuck in your brain. After EMDR therapy sessions clients find the memories about the event processed seem faded. Some bits of information, deemed unimportant to your current life and survival, may be completely discarded. EMDR does not delete memories. EMDR simply changes the way painful memories are stored, so that when you think about them, they no longer trigger and hurt you the same way before you started EMDR sessions.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125

Protecting your boundaries and sanity during the holiday season.

Is the thought of going to see the family during the holidays creating major stress already? Dreading questions from Auntie about your single status? What about 21 questions about why you are not expecting yet? These questions and other boundary violations can make even thinking about attending holiday family events anxiety-provoking. Many people are hit with sadness over the fact that their family is far from what they feel they are supposed to be, rather than the reality of what they actually experience.

The reality is many family relationships are complicated, and that doesn’t disappear during the holidays. Thinking about what your personal boundaries are for behavior is important before you sit down for dinner.

You want to remember you can protect your space and honor your feelings surrounding what are off-limit topics for your family. You do not have to tolerate disrespect from a family member who refuses to respect you or your guests. Draw a golden circle around what your limits are and have an exit plan to leave once those boundaries are violated.

The holidays is a time of love, peace, and joy. If the people who happen to be biologically related to you cannot be peaceful, loving and joyful, maybe it’s time to start making your own traditions. Maybe it’s time to find a tribe you can surround yourself who brings the holiday spirit and not drama.

Vanessa Watson, LCSW is a therapist who practices in Montclair, NJ. She is a New Yorker turned suburbanite who lives with her Husband and Cat Isabella Gato and is the owner of Living In The Second Half L. L. C. therapy practice.

Remember Caregivers of Veterans

Today is Veterans Day. As the Daughter of a Veteran who served in the Korean War, and as a Medical Social Worker, I understand the challenges and complex issues caregivers of Veterans face.

Veteran sacrifices their bodies and their lives to protect our freedoms. ⠀

There are many faces of caregivers who support our Veterans. The caregiver of a Veteran can be an older adult taking care of their unmarried child returning home from service as a disabled veteran.⠀

A caregiver of a Veteran could be a spouse who is learning how to care for a Veteran returning with unseen disabilities like post-traumatic stress disorder⠀

A caregiver of a Veteran may be taken care of the children of a Veteran who is actively serving in the military.⠀

Caregivers of veterans are increasingly overwhelmed mentally, emotionally, physically and financially with the multitude of responsibilities providing care.⠀

We must remember and support the caregiver of veterans. ⠀You can start my asking the caregivers of a Veteran how you can help them. That show of concern speak voulmes.

The families of Veterans also make multiple sacrifices seen and unseen. We must remember and support them also. ⠀

If you are the caregiver of a veteran caring for yourself is the best thing you can do to help support your loved one.⠀

Practicing mindfulness can help you find calm as you care for the Veteran in your life. ⠀

Taking time just a few minutes a day to relax can help restore you.⠀

Listening to a guided meditation such as https://www.calm.com while taking a walk or before sleep can help restore balance.

While we honor our Veterans today, let’s remember the caregivers who support them.

Is being a caregiver wrecking your marriage?

Is being a caregiver destroying your marriage?

How do I split my time between taking care of the kids, care for Mom, have a career, and make time for my marriage? 

Simultaneous commitments of aging parents, children, career and maintain a healthy relationship can result in stress for couples being sandwiched by the overwhelming responsibilities.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common for people in the sandwich generation. Think about your circle of friends? It’s hard to hold on the foundations of your relationship when you are being pulled in a million different directions, and everything seems equally important. 

Important questions like how I split my time between children, mom, marriage, and work do not come with easy answers. By establishing boundaries, open communication, and hard work divorce does not need to be the narrative for your marriage.

Many couples become so busy, connection, and communication often will be the first thing that falls off. Many couples will fail to see bids for connection their partner is making. According to Dr. John Gottman there are verbal bids and nonverbal bids for connection that is important. Nonverbal bids include affectionate touching such as a kiss, trying to hold hands, returning a smile, or opening the door for you. Verbal bids may include your partner asking you if you take a walk together or sharing a story about something they feel in interesting. A failed bid is being consumed you consistently fail to see or acknowledge the attend to connect.  When these bids for connection are ignored this can deepen a lack of connection in the relationship and create strain.

Many couple hesitate to seek professional help or wait until it’s too late. Therapy can help you hope with the feelings of anger, anticipatory grief, help establish boundaries, and provide tools to help cope with demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Therapy feels expensive and time consuming, but the price divorce financially and emotionally is huge. Couples therapy can help you see what is possible for you and your partners and provide tools to navigate very difficult waters.