How EMDR sessions can help you stop living in survival mode finally?

I decided to invest in my craft to better serve my clients and became trained in EMDR last year. I work with many adults in the forgotten generation; Generation X. 

Many have experienced childhood trauma growing up in the ’70s and 80’s grappling with the impact of the crack epidemic that destroyed many communities of color. Also, many Gen Xers had a parent who served in the military in the Korean War like my Dad, or Vietnam. Many of those men came back home with severe mental health issues untreated and used drugs and alcohol to kill the pain. 

This means many people who are in generation x have tons of unaddressed childhood trauma walking around now. This trauma is present in their lives today, impacting their relationships with others and the relationship they have with themselves. 

Remember therapy was not as popular back then the way it is more acceptable and accessible as it is now. That means many gen Xers needed care but did not receive it.

EMDR is one of the most effective forms of therapy to address trauma. 

How does EMDR help people with childhood trauma? EMDR uses bilateral stimulation, or side-to-side eye movements, to reprocess disturbing memories. Research from many sources found that the bilateral eye movements performed in EMDR may replicate the rapid eye movements (REM) during the dream stage of sleep. Research has long believed that during REM sleep our brains process the events of the day, including our emotions, beliefs and physical sensations. If the brain does not process these properly, memories may become lodged and can cause us problems further down the line. Sometimes the symptoms of trauma don't appear for months, years, and even decades afterward. 

In a series of EMDR therapy sessions, I use gentle bilateral tapping (often on the top of the client's hands or side of a client’s legs) in addition to the eye stimulation. Some therapists use tappers to stimulate the physical tapping method I use. During sessions, dual attention stimulation (bilateral eye movements and tapping) unlocks the unprocessed memory, releases the painful emotions and sensations, and allows your brain to let go of the beliefs that are holding you back in life

Childhood trauma anxiety, anger, and depression are just a few of the symptoms of having unprocessed, maladaptive memories stuck in your brain. After EMDR therapy sessions clients find the memories about the event processed seem faded. Some bits of information, deemed unimportant to your current life and survival, may be completely discarded. EMDR does not delete memories. EMDR simply changes the way painful memories are stored, so that when you think about them, they no longer trigger and hurt you the same way before you started EMDR sessions.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

Is being a caregiver wrecking your marriage?

Is being a caregiver destroying your marriage?

How do I split my time between taking care of the kids, care for Mom, have a career, and make time for my marriage? 

Simultaneous commitments of aging parents, children, career and maintain a healthy relationship can result in stress for couples being sandwiched by the overwhelming responsibilities.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common for people in the sandwich generation. Think about your circle of friends? It’s hard to hold on the foundations of your relationship when you are being pulled in a million different directions, and everything seems equally important. 

Important questions like how I split my time between children, mom, marriage, and work do not come with easy answers. By establishing boundaries, open communication, and hard work divorce does not need to be the narrative for your marriage.

Many couples become so busy, connection, and communication often will be the first thing that falls off. Many couples will fail to see bids for connection their partner is making. According to Dr. John Gottman there are verbal bids and nonverbal bids for connection that is important. Nonverbal bids include affectionate touching such as a kiss, trying to hold hands, returning a smile, or opening the door for you. Verbal bids may include your partner asking you if you take a walk together or sharing a story about something they feel in interesting. A failed bid is being consumed you consistently fail to see or acknowledge the attend to connect.  When these bids for connection are ignored this can deepen a lack of connection in the relationship and create strain.

Many couple hesitate to seek professional help or wait until it’s too late. Therapy can help you hope with the feelings of anger, anticipatory grief, help establish boundaries, and provide tools to help cope with demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Therapy feels expensive and time consuming, but the price divorce financially and emotionally is huge. Couples therapy can help you see what is possible for you and your partners and provide tools to navigate very difficult waters. 

The Armor can come off sometimes, right?

Vanessa Watson-Hill, LCSW

The gift of armor has been passed down for generations for black women. Out of necessity armor was and is still needed to navigate many social forces such as racism, sexism, and classism in the United States.

The armor born out of self-protection and used to cope with weight of racism has become a permanent fixture in many women’s wardrobe.

Many generations later we are armed with data that tells us the weight of the armor many black girls and women wear is too heavy.

For over a decade I worked as medical social work in New York City. Every day on my units, I saw the toll of the armor black women carry. The majority of my younger patient’s admitted with complications of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease where often black women.

My patient ‘s with new amputations due to the complications of diabetes often where black women. My patients who needed to be placed on dialysis due to kidney failure from Hypertension 9 times out 10 black were women in their forties or fifties.

The CDC reports HIV is the third leading cause of death for Black woman thirty-five to fifty-four. This was reflected of many of the newly diagnosed patients with HIV in my work. My patients who grappled with crippling depression often were black women. Sadly, many of my patients who declined therapy referrals often were black women.

All of this is heavy stuff, complex, and there are no easy solutions.

I can offer three tips to help you begin to take action to address how this impacts your life.

The first step is self-awareness. Many times, women are not aware they are wearing armor at all. An erosion of self often occurs when you are conditioned to always be strong. That is because you are conditioned to place and think about the needs of everyone else before your needs. In my clinical work I often find my clients who are 95% black women struggle with identifying their needs. This is something I unpack in my capacity as a Therapist.

Going to therapy with a culturally competent therapist in your area may be something that will help you learn more about how your carry your armor. A therapist can help your develop healthier tools to help you with managing your armor.

Commit to intention self-care practices. Selfcare can be taking a walk in the morning before the kids get up. Self-care can be listening to relaxing music during your two-hour commute home. Selfcare can be sitting down and reading a non-work-related book for one hour a week.

Wearing armor 24/7 365 is killing many of us. Sis, I want you to live a full and healthy life.

Let’s start breaking the chains of unhealthy pattens that simply is not serving us in 2019.

What About your friends, caregivers edition

Article By: Vanessa Watson,LCSW

Three tips to support your friend who is a caregiver

Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene Leaks shared her struggles being a caregiver to her Husband Gregg who is battling Stage III Colon Cancer. I applaud Nene and Gregg for sharing their story. Many caregivers, especially caregivers of color, can feel alone, and their stories are not told. Nene expresses feelings very common for people providing care to loved ones facing a serious or chronic medical condition. Life as a caregiver can feel like being in a pressure cooker on high that doesn’t turn off. 

The multiple stressors and demands of caregiver can be overwhelming on top of the feelings you may experience watching your loved one battle for their lives. Many caregivers start experiencing their own medical problems, face strain in their personal and work life when support is not provided.

Often people may not know how they can support a friend who is a caregiver. Many people not knowing who to do or say, may stay away, which can lead to increased feelings of isolation many caregivers already face. 

Here are three tips to remember to do to help support a friend in your life who’s a caregiver. 

1.    Remember to ask your friend how they are doing instead of how he/she is doing. Your friend in is this with their partner. Asking “How are both of you “acknowledges it’s not just the person who needs care who is dealing with challenges.

2.    Try to avoid saying “Please take care of yourself”. For many caregivers when they hear that it’s just another thing to add to an already very long do to list. Try to offer concrete support. You can offer do some errands like picking up the laundry or picking up the kids from basketball practice. 

3.    Support may look like offering to pick up dinner and a bottle of wine for a girl’s night in. Your friend many not be able to hang out or go out to dinner because of their caregiving responsibilities. An offer like this will help your friend have an outlet and one less meal to cook.