A Woman's work?

As a society women have more equality in the workplace and much as changed but many women come to see me for therapy because they are very overwhelmed. That overwhelm starts at home and is intense due to the pandemic. Many women still face the intense stress of managing a large majority of the mental, homeschooling, and housework load in their relationships. Many spouses still expect their wives to do the majority of the housework and primary childcare management while holding down a fulltime job.

Many women can become deeply unhappy in their marriages when they look at the weight they manage despite pleading to their partners for help. Add this to other relationships and communication issues couples face, this is one of the reasons women initiate divorce at higher numbers compared to men.

Research shows that couples enter therapy often when it’s too late. Many come to therapy after over years of marriage resentment sets in after being stuck doing it all.  Women then become consumed by unhappiness more than their partners who have fewer stressors and fewer reasons to be deeply unhappy with the marriage. 

Working with a therapist before marriage or in the early years can help stage a healthier foundation to decrease the resentment that builds over time that slowly destroys marriages.

If you survived childhood emotional abuse know that what you faced is valid!

Many people think childhood abuse has to be physical abuse leaving broken bones and marks. Our mind recalls the stories we see on TV when a child is removed from the home due to physical abuse or extreme neglect. Those cases are heartbreaking because we can physically see the immediate impact of the horrors that child faced. Yes, there are varied levels of abuse. I want to offer that the abused children face that is unaddressed and impact the lives of many adults is valid also.

 Childhood trauma is also emotional abuse that leave scars few people can see.

Childhood emotional trauma often is difficult to heal, because there is so much secrecy surrounding it. This secrecy causes many adults to develop deep shame. This shame causes people to live in pain for decades coping with the impact of their wounds in silence. 

The truth is childhood emotional abuse has not received the same attention compared to other forms of trauma such as sexual assault, or physical abuse. ⠀

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For many emotional abuses by parents or adult caregivers still remains a large gray area of misperception about parenting stressors or cultural differences. ⠀

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Because of all of the gray as a society we tend to have more tolerance when it occurs inside the home compared to when it occurs outside the home. ⠀

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There are real negative consequences when we fail to address childhood emotional trauma and neglect. 

Adults who grew up with childhood trauma experience more anxiety, depression, chronic pain, stress sensitivity, chronic illness, sleep problems, low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and the feeling of being “stuck” life.

Know that if this was your childhood there can be healing. 

What you face was real and your pain matters also.

The past doesn’t have to continue to negativity shape your future.

Seeking support from a mental health professional who has a trauma-informed approach is one-way survivors can get help.

To find a therapist in your area you look at major directories such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/us https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com or if you're located in NJ call me at 646-859-0125 to email me at Therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

Protecting your boundaries and sanity during the holiday season.

Is the thought of going to see the family during the holidays creating major stress already? Dreading questions from Auntie about your single status? What about 21 questions about why you are not expecting yet? These questions and other boundary violations can make even thinking about attending holiday family events anxiety-provoking. Many people are hit with sadness over the fact that their family is far from what they feel they are supposed to be, rather than the reality of what they actually experience.

The reality is many family relationships are complicated, and that doesn’t disappear during the holidays. Thinking about what your personal boundaries are for behavior is important before you sit down for dinner.

You want to remember you can protect your space and honor your feelings surrounding what are off-limit topics for your family. You do not have to tolerate disrespect from a family member who refuses to respect you or your guests. Draw a golden circle around what your limits are and have an exit plan to leave once those boundaries are violated.

The holidays is a time of love, peace, and joy. If the people who happen to be biologically related to you cannot be peaceful, loving and joyful, maybe it’s time to start making your own traditions. Maybe it’s time to find a tribe you can surround yourself who brings the holiday spirit and not drama.

Vanessa Watson, LCSW is a therapist who practices in Montclair, NJ. She is a New Yorker turned suburbanite who lives with her Husband and Cat Isabella Gato and is the owner of Living In The Second Half L. L. C. therapy practice.

Is being a caregiver wrecking your marriage?

Is being a caregiver destroying your marriage?

How do I split my time between taking care of the kids, care for Mom, have a career, and make time for my marriage? 

Simultaneous commitments of aging parents, children, career and maintain a healthy relationship can result in stress for couples being sandwiched by the overwhelming responsibilities.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common for people in the sandwich generation. Think about your circle of friends? It’s hard to hold on the foundations of your relationship when you are being pulled in a million different directions, and everything seems equally important. 

Important questions like how I split my time between children, mom, marriage, and work do not come with easy answers. By establishing boundaries, open communication, and hard work divorce does not need to be the narrative for your marriage.

Many couples become so busy, connection, and communication often will be the first thing that falls off. Many couples will fail to see bids for connection their partner is making. According to Dr. John Gottman there are verbal bids and nonverbal bids for connection that is important. Nonverbal bids include affectionate touching such as a kiss, trying to hold hands, returning a smile, or opening the door for you. Verbal bids may include your partner asking you if you take a walk together or sharing a story about something they feel in interesting. A failed bid is being consumed you consistently fail to see or acknowledge the attend to connect.  When these bids for connection are ignored this can deepen a lack of connection in the relationship and create strain.

Many couple hesitate to seek professional help or wait until it’s too late. Therapy can help you hope with the feelings of anger, anticipatory grief, help establish boundaries, and provide tools to help cope with demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Therapy feels expensive and time consuming, but the price divorce financially and emotionally is huge. Couples therapy can help you see what is possible for you and your partners and provide tools to navigate very difficult waters. 

What in the world is EMDR?

Last week I completed part 1 on the road to EMDR therapy training. It was the most fulling and emotional taxing trainings I have ever engaged in. It was 1000% worth it!

EMDR has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments for people with trauma. Because so many people have trauma, I treat people with trauma in my therapy practice. I also provide clinical supervision and need to keep the clinical tools in my tool box sharp. At the end of the day I wanted to ensure I can offer the best therapy practices to my clients. 

As a black therapist the majority of my clients are black singles, black couples, or people in a multicultural relationship. The history of generational trauma runs deep for many, and I feel it’s critical for people of color to have access to clinicians they identify with who are trauma trained. 

What exactly is EMDR you may ask?

EMDR, as with most therapy approaches focuses on the present concerns of people, while going back. The approach of EMDR believes past emotionally charged experiences and trauma tend to overly influence the present emotions and thoughts a person believes about themselves. One common example of this is a person may have deep feelings of being worthless, although they know they have to be a worthwhile person.

EMDR Therapy helps you break through the emotional blocks that keep people from living a healthy emotionally life.

How exactly does EMDR achieve this? 

EMDR uses rapid sets of eye movements to help people “update” distbuting experiencing, similarly to what occurs in deep sleep know as REM sleep. During REM sleep people alternate between regular sleep and REM. This sleep pattern helps people process things that are troubling.

EMDR Therapy replicates this sleep pattern by alternating between sets of eye movements or tapping and brief reports about what you are noticing. This alternating process helps people “update “the memories to a healthier present perspective. 

EMDR really works. in complete transparency I was skeptical at first. Maybe it’s the Brooklyn in me and I needed to experience it to believe it’s effectiveness. EMDR really works and I am a believer!

If you are grappling with trauma from your childhood, a recent incident seeking support from a therapist trained in EMDR may be worth exploring.