How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125

What in the world is EMDR?

Last week I completed part 1 on the road to EMDR therapy training. It was the most fulling and emotional taxing trainings I have ever engaged in. It was 1000% worth it!

EMDR has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments for people with trauma. Because so many people have trauma, I treat people with trauma in my therapy practice. I also provide clinical supervision and need to keep the clinical tools in my tool box sharp. At the end of the day I wanted to ensure I can offer the best therapy practices to my clients. 

As a black therapist the majority of my clients are black singles, black couples, or people in a multicultural relationship. The history of generational trauma runs deep for many, and I feel it’s critical for people of color to have access to clinicians they identify with who are trauma trained. 

What exactly is EMDR you may ask?

EMDR, as with most therapy approaches focuses on the present concerns of people, while going back. The approach of EMDR believes past emotionally charged experiences and trauma tend to overly influence the present emotions and thoughts a person believes about themselves. One common example of this is a person may have deep feelings of being worthless, although they know they have to be a worthwhile person.

EMDR Therapy helps you break through the emotional blocks that keep people from living a healthy emotionally life.

How exactly does EMDR achieve this? 

EMDR uses rapid sets of eye movements to help people “update” distbuting experiencing, similarly to what occurs in deep sleep know as REM sleep. During REM sleep people alternate between regular sleep and REM. This sleep pattern helps people process things that are troubling.

EMDR Therapy replicates this sleep pattern by alternating between sets of eye movements or tapping and brief reports about what you are noticing. This alternating process helps people “update “the memories to a healthier present perspective. 

EMDR really works. in complete transparency I was skeptical at first. Maybe it’s the Brooklyn in me and I needed to experience it to believe it’s effectiveness. EMDR really works and I am a believer!

If you are grappling with trauma from your childhood, a recent incident seeking support from a therapist trained in EMDR may be worth exploring.