A Woman's work?

As a society women have more equality in the workplace and much as changed but many women come to see me for therapy because they are very overwhelmed. That overwhelm starts at home and is intense due to the pandemic. Many women still face the intense stress of managing a large majority of the mental, homeschooling, and housework load in their relationships. Many spouses still expect their wives to do the majority of the housework and primary childcare management while holding down a fulltime job.

Many women can become deeply unhappy in their marriages when they look at the weight they manage despite pleading to their partners for help. Add this to other relationships and communication issues couples face, this is one of the reasons women initiate divorce at higher numbers compared to men.

Research shows that couples enter therapy often when it’s too late. Many come to therapy after over years of marriage resentment sets in after being stuck doing it all.  Women then become consumed by unhappiness more than their partners who have fewer stressors and fewer reasons to be deeply unhappy with the marriage. 

Working with a therapist before marriage or in the early years can help stage a healthier foundation to decrease the resentment that builds over time that slowly destroys marriages.

How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125

Is being a caregiver wrecking your marriage?

Is being a caregiver destroying your marriage?

How do I split my time between taking care of the kids, care for Mom, have a career, and make time for my marriage? 

Simultaneous commitments of aging parents, children, career and maintain a healthy relationship can result in stress for couples being sandwiched by the overwhelming responsibilities.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common for people in the sandwich generation. Think about your circle of friends? It’s hard to hold on the foundations of your relationship when you are being pulled in a million different directions, and everything seems equally important. 

Important questions like how I split my time between children, mom, marriage, and work do not come with easy answers. By establishing boundaries, open communication, and hard work divorce does not need to be the narrative for your marriage.

Many couples become so busy, connection, and communication often will be the first thing that falls off. Many couples will fail to see bids for connection their partner is making. According to Dr. John Gottman there are verbal bids and nonverbal bids for connection that is important. Nonverbal bids include affectionate touching such as a kiss, trying to hold hands, returning a smile, or opening the door for you. Verbal bids may include your partner asking you if you take a walk together or sharing a story about something they feel in interesting. A failed bid is being consumed you consistently fail to see or acknowledge the attend to connect.  When these bids for connection are ignored this can deepen a lack of connection in the relationship and create strain.

Many couple hesitate to seek professional help or wait until it’s too late. Therapy can help you hope with the feelings of anger, anticipatory grief, help establish boundaries, and provide tools to help cope with demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Therapy feels expensive and time consuming, but the price divorce financially and emotionally is huge. Couples therapy can help you see what is possible for you and your partners and provide tools to navigate very difficult waters.