If you survived childhood emotional abuse know that what you faced is valid!

Many people think childhood abuse has to be physical abuse leaving broken bones and marks. Our mind recalls the stories we see on TV when a child is removed from the home due to physical abuse or extreme neglect. Those cases are heartbreaking because we can physically see the immediate impact of the horrors that child faced. Yes, there are varied levels of abuse. I want to offer that the abused children face that is unaddressed and impact the lives of many adults is valid also.

 Childhood trauma is also emotional abuse that leave scars few people can see.

Childhood emotional trauma often is difficult to heal, because there is so much secrecy surrounding it. This secrecy causes many adults to develop deep shame. This shame causes people to live in pain for decades coping with the impact of their wounds in silence. 

The truth is childhood emotional abuse has not received the same attention compared to other forms of trauma such as sexual assault, or physical abuse. ⠀

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For many emotional abuses by parents or adult caregivers still remains a large gray area of misperception about parenting stressors or cultural differences. ⠀

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Because of all of the gray as a society we tend to have more tolerance when it occurs inside the home compared to when it occurs outside the home. ⠀

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There are real negative consequences when we fail to address childhood emotional trauma and neglect. 

Adults who grew up with childhood trauma experience more anxiety, depression, chronic pain, stress sensitivity, chronic illness, sleep problems, low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and the feeling of being “stuck” life.

Know that if this was your childhood there can be healing. 

What you face was real and your pain matters also.

The past doesn’t have to continue to negativity shape your future.

Seeking support from a mental health professional who has a trauma-informed approach is one-way survivors can get help.

To find a therapist in your area you look at major directories such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/us https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com or if you're located in NJ call me at 646-859-0125 to email me at Therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125

Protecting your boundaries and sanity during the holiday season.

Is the thought of going to see the family during the holidays creating major stress already? Dreading questions from Auntie about your single status? What about 21 questions about why you are not expecting yet? These questions and other boundary violations can make even thinking about attending holiday family events anxiety-provoking. Many people are hit with sadness over the fact that their family is far from what they feel they are supposed to be, rather than the reality of what they actually experience.

The reality is many family relationships are complicated, and that doesn’t disappear during the holidays. Thinking about what your personal boundaries are for behavior is important before you sit down for dinner.

You want to remember you can protect your space and honor your feelings surrounding what are off-limit topics for your family. You do not have to tolerate disrespect from a family member who refuses to respect you or your guests. Draw a golden circle around what your limits are and have an exit plan to leave once those boundaries are violated.

The holidays is a time of love, peace, and joy. If the people who happen to be biologically related to you cannot be peaceful, loving and joyful, maybe it’s time to start making your own traditions. Maybe it’s time to find a tribe you can surround yourself who brings the holiday spirit and not drama.

Vanessa Watson, LCSW is a therapist who practices in Montclair, NJ. She is a New Yorker turned suburbanite who lives with her Husband and Cat Isabella Gato and is the owner of Living In The Second Half L. L. C. therapy practice.

Is being a caregiver wrecking your marriage?

Is being a caregiver destroying your marriage?

How do I split my time between taking care of the kids, care for Mom, have a career, and make time for my marriage? 

Simultaneous commitments of aging parents, children, career and maintain a healthy relationship can result in stress for couples being sandwiched by the overwhelming responsibilities.

Divorce is becoming increasingly common for people in the sandwich generation. Think about your circle of friends? It’s hard to hold on the foundations of your relationship when you are being pulled in a million different directions, and everything seems equally important. 

Important questions like how I split my time between children, mom, marriage, and work do not come with easy answers. By establishing boundaries, open communication, and hard work divorce does not need to be the narrative for your marriage.

Many couples become so busy, connection, and communication often will be the first thing that falls off. Many couples will fail to see bids for connection their partner is making. According to Dr. John Gottman there are verbal bids and nonverbal bids for connection that is important. Nonverbal bids include affectionate touching such as a kiss, trying to hold hands, returning a smile, or opening the door for you. Verbal bids may include your partner asking you if you take a walk together or sharing a story about something they feel in interesting. A failed bid is being consumed you consistently fail to see or acknowledge the attend to connect.  When these bids for connection are ignored this can deepen a lack of connection in the relationship and create strain.

Many couple hesitate to seek professional help or wait until it’s too late. Therapy can help you hope with the feelings of anger, anticipatory grief, help establish boundaries, and provide tools to help cope with demands of work and maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Therapy feels expensive and time consuming, but the price divorce financially and emotionally is huge. Couples therapy can help you see what is possible for you and your partners and provide tools to navigate very difficult waters. 

What About your friends, caregivers edition

Article By: Vanessa Watson,LCSW

Three tips to support your friend who is a caregiver

Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta, Nene Leaks shared her struggles being a caregiver to her Husband Gregg who is battling Stage III Colon Cancer. I applaud Nene and Gregg for sharing their story. Many caregivers, especially caregivers of color, can feel alone, and their stories are not told. Nene expresses feelings very common for people providing care to loved ones facing a serious or chronic medical condition. Life as a caregiver can feel like being in a pressure cooker on high that doesn’t turn off. 

The multiple stressors and demands of caregiver can be overwhelming on top of the feelings you may experience watching your loved one battle for their lives. Many caregivers start experiencing their own medical problems, face strain in their personal and work life when support is not provided.

Often people may not know how they can support a friend who is a caregiver. Many people not knowing who to do or say, may stay away, which can lead to increased feelings of isolation many caregivers already face. 

Here are three tips to remember to do to help support a friend in your life who’s a caregiver. 

1.    Remember to ask your friend how they are doing instead of how he/she is doing. Your friend in is this with their partner. Asking “How are both of you “acknowledges it’s not just the person who needs care who is dealing with challenges.

2.    Try to avoid saying “Please take care of yourself”. For many caregivers when they hear that it’s just another thing to add to an already very long do to list. Try to offer concrete support. You can offer do some errands like picking up the laundry or picking up the kids from basketball practice. 

3.    Support may look like offering to pick up dinner and a bottle of wine for a girl’s night in. Your friend many not be able to hang out or go out to dinner because of their caregiving responsibilities. An offer like this will help your friend have an outlet and one less meal to cook.