The #1 Reason Black Couples Go to Therapy

What is the #1 reason black couples go to therapy? The same reason that compels white couples to pick up the phone to make an appointment for therapy; communication. 

Communication difficulties are one of the most common reasons why all couples enter therapy.  Black couples are no different, but we must be honest that black couples have different issues that impact their communication issues in relationships because of racism. 

For many Black couples, communication is complicated by racism everywhere. Racism in the workplace, childhood, educational systems, in countless micro-aggressions black people encounters just living life. Add this to the fact that in order to survive many black people were socialized to wear a mask, to not display true feelings or emotions, it is often very difficult for Black people—especially Black men—to express their feelings directly. 

In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy communication, right? What if healthy expressions of feelings appropriate to situations can lead to your death? Because the expression of emotions for black people historically and present-day face for expressing their feelings can have deadly consequences. Many black people struggle to have a place that is safe in this society to express their emotions.  Look at Sandra Bland and other cases of black people and police-involved shootings. 

So many Black men and women often enter therapy with the complaint that their partners are emotionally unavailable. There are many valid reasons for this reinforced by our society. That’s why it’s important for the therapist to understand these realities, to help black couples when they come to therapy for help. One of my first strategies with black couples is to join and connect with each person and work to establish trust. Once trust is established, I can begin to explore what each member of the couple has brought to the relationship in terms of past experiences racial traumas.  That is where healing can begin and small steps to improve communication start. 

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125

Remember Caregivers of Veterans

Today is Veterans Day. As the Daughter of a Veteran who served in the Korean War, and as a Medical Social Worker, I understand the challenges and complex issues caregivers of Veterans face.

Veteran sacrifices their bodies and their lives to protect our freedoms. ⠀

There are many faces of caregivers who support our Veterans. The caregiver of a Veteran can be an older adult taking care of their unmarried child returning home from service as a disabled veteran.⠀

A caregiver of a Veteran could be a spouse who is learning how to care for a Veteran returning with unseen disabilities like post-traumatic stress disorder⠀

A caregiver of a Veteran may be taken care of the children of a Veteran who is actively serving in the military.⠀

Caregivers of veterans are increasingly overwhelmed mentally, emotionally, physically and financially with the multitude of responsibilities providing care.⠀

We must remember and support the caregiver of veterans. ⠀You can start my asking the caregivers of a Veteran how you can help them. That show of concern speak voulmes.

The families of Veterans also make multiple sacrifices seen and unseen. We must remember and support them also. ⠀

If you are the caregiver of a veteran caring for yourself is the best thing you can do to help support your loved one.⠀

Practicing mindfulness can help you find calm as you care for the Veteran in your life. ⠀

Taking time just a few minutes a day to relax can help restore you.⠀

Listening to a guided meditation such as https://www.calm.com while taking a walk or before sleep can help restore balance.

While we honor our Veterans today, let’s remember the caregivers who support them.