A Woman's work?

As a society women have more equality in the workplace and much as changed but many women come to see me for therapy because they are very overwhelmed. That overwhelm starts at home and is intense due to the pandemic. Many women still face the intense stress of managing a large majority of the mental, homeschooling, and housework load in their relationships. Many spouses still expect their wives to do the majority of the housework and primary childcare management while holding down a fulltime job.

Many women can become deeply unhappy in their marriages when they look at the weight they manage despite pleading to their partners for help. Add this to other relationships and communication issues couples face, this is one of the reasons women initiate divorce at higher numbers compared to men.

Research shows that couples enter therapy often when it’s too late. Many come to therapy after over years of marriage resentment sets in after being stuck doing it all.  Women then become consumed by unhappiness more than their partners who have fewer stressors and fewer reasons to be deeply unhappy with the marriage. 

Working with a therapist before marriage or in the early years can help stage a healthier foundation to decrease the resentment that builds over time that slowly destroys marriages.

The #1 Reason Black Couples Go to Therapy

What is the #1 reason black couples go to therapy? The same reason that compels white couples to pick up the phone to make an appointment for therapy; communication. 

Communication difficulties are one of the most common reasons why all couples enter therapy.  Black couples are no different, but we must be honest that black couples have different issues that impact their communication issues in relationships because of racism. 

For many Black couples, communication is complicated by racism everywhere. Racism in the workplace, childhood, educational systems, in countless micro-aggressions black people encounters just living life. Add this to the fact that in order to survive many black people were socialized to wear a mask, to not display true feelings or emotions, it is often very difficult for Black people—especially Black men—to express their feelings directly. 

In order to have a healthy relationship you need healthy communication, right? What if healthy expressions of feelings appropriate to situations can lead to your death? Because the expression of emotions for black people historically and present-day face for expressing their feelings can have deadly consequences. Many black people struggle to have a place that is safe in this society to express their emotions.  Look at Sandra Bland and other cases of black people and police-involved shootings. 

So many Black men and women often enter therapy with the complaint that their partners are emotionally unavailable. There are many valid reasons for this reinforced by our society. That’s why it’s important for the therapist to understand these realities, to help black couples when they come to therapy for help. One of my first strategies with black couples is to join and connect with each person and work to establish trust. Once trust is established, I can begin to explore what each member of the couple has brought to the relationship in terms of past experiences racial traumas.  That is where healing can begin and small steps to improve communication start. 

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com or call me at 646-859-0125 to schedule a free 15 minute consulation

If you survived childhood emotional abuse know that what you faced is valid!

Many people think childhood abuse has to be physical abuse leaving broken bones and marks. Our mind recalls the stories we see on TV when a child is removed from the home due to physical abuse or extreme neglect. Those cases are heartbreaking because we can physically see the immediate impact of the horrors that child faced. Yes, there are varied levels of abuse. I want to offer that the abused children face that is unaddressed and impact the lives of many adults is valid also.

 Childhood trauma is also emotional abuse that leave scars few people can see.

Childhood emotional trauma often is difficult to heal, because there is so much secrecy surrounding it. This secrecy causes many adults to develop deep shame. This shame causes people to live in pain for decades coping with the impact of their wounds in silence. 

The truth is childhood emotional abuse has not received the same attention compared to other forms of trauma such as sexual assault, or physical abuse. ⠀

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For many emotional abuses by parents or adult caregivers still remains a large gray area of misperception about parenting stressors or cultural differences. ⠀

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Because of all of the gray as a society we tend to have more tolerance when it occurs inside the home compared to when it occurs outside the home. ⠀

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There are real negative consequences when we fail to address childhood emotional trauma and neglect. 

Adults who grew up with childhood trauma experience more anxiety, depression, chronic pain, stress sensitivity, chronic illness, sleep problems, low self-worth, imposter syndrome, and the feeling of being “stuck” life.

Know that if this was your childhood there can be healing. 

What you face was real and your pain matters also.

The past doesn’t have to continue to negativity shape your future.

Seeking support from a mental health professional who has a trauma-informed approach is one-way survivors can get help.

To find a therapist in your area you look at major directories such as https://www.psychologytoday.com/us https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com or if you're located in NJ call me at 646-859-0125 to email me at Therapyfor@livinginthesecondhalf.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.

How a fearful avoidant attachment style may stop you from living your best life in 2020?

You may ask yourself what exactly is fearful-avoidant attachment style? There are a few different attachment styles. About 5% of adults have an attachment style of fearful avoidant attachment.  Adults who are fearful-avoidant attachment crave tons of reassurance, struggle with imposter syndrome and feelings they are never enough. They feel stuck and powerless to change their situation despite having all the resources to make changes. They also are known for pushing away people who may be their biggest cheerleaders. 

Many people who have an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant will often find themselves feeling stuck in life. They have the fear and none of the confidence of Kanye they are great and can do all things. 

When someone with a fearful attachment style identifies an area in their life to improve, they can identify the steps, and write a great plan of attack. They will spend the week and week researching and will find tons of resources. But they become paralyzed by fear of failure and never fully complete their goals. 

The fear of failure and negative self-talk is so strong they never can fully execute on the goals they set out to accomplish.

The lack of trust in their abilities is the inner dialogue that halts them despite all of the evidence to the outside world they are more than capable of greatness. 

What can you do to finally change this narrative in 2020?

Consider seeking the help of a therapist in your area to help you work through the root causes of your issues. The reality is all this is very hard. Fearful-avoidant attachment styles are very difficult to manage without the help of a trained therapist. The roots of fearful-avoidant attachment styles have a lot to do with how you where raised, childhood trauma, and environmental influences.  

Taking the brave steps to start therapy with a licensed therapist will get you started on the path to healing unresolved trauma that is holding you back from living your best life. Know that it will be very likely that it will take longer for a person with an attachment style that is fearful-avoidant to trust the therapist. No quick fixes and be skeptical of anyone who promises a quick fix!

You may initially experience feelings of being happy you finally are in therapy and feel you are building a healthy relationship with your therapist one session. In the next session, you may want to prematurely stop treatment. This is all normal.  The therapist will help explore these triggers and learn to identify distress that is linked to past trauma rather than current relationships.

Your therapist can also teach you important skills like mindfulness practices to help you learn to regulate emotions, focus your attention and observe your thoughts and feelings with the crippling judgment that also keeps you stuck. 

If you are located in NJ, I am accepting new clients for 2020.

Please email me at therapyfor@livinginginthesecondhalf.com for a free 15-minute consultation or call me at 646 859-0125